Suddenly you turn around and you can see where you've been and how far you've come. It might not seem that far at first since your journey has been slow and gradual, but when you look over all of it, you see it actually has been a long way.
I know in my case that I've come a long way because I've had a lot of conflict in my life, but I'm still moving on. My mom died when I was four and that was a major setback. It took hold of me and my family like a net. I was very confused at that age. But I'm still OK. I just think, "Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger," and I know that I'm a stronger person because of this. That was probably the worst situation I have been and will ever be in. So I know that whenever I get into a bad situation again I'll just remember that I've been in a worse situation and gotten through it, so I know that I'll get through that.
There are lots of kids I know that take having a mom for granted. For me it's a luxury that I guess I wasn't destined to have. You can never really appreciate something until you don't have it. I see other kids hug their moms and think, "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." I often think only of the good side of things I don't have. Is there a bad side to having a mom? Some people say that the bad side is that you get yelled at a lot more. But you also get loved a lot more. It's kind of hard not to see how the grass is greener on the people-who-have-a-mom's side of the fence. But rather than envy people with a mom I also pity them because they're not as strong as I am and they take having a mom for granted. It's probably better to loose your mom when you're really little than when you're an adolescent. My dad tells me that sometimes people are worse off having their parents divorced than one of them deceased. I suppose he's right.
Sometimes I think of how special it would be to have a mom because I only have faint memories of her. I remember she had a really nice smile and her teeth were very white, and I remember she had a really comforting smell. I don't remember exactly, but I remember it was very comforting. Well I had a mom and she was special too. She was the best bowler in North Carolina at her age when she was fourteen, and had a trophy to prove it. She was an excellent pinball player, and she was a great tennis player. There were other things that I can't remember. I wish I could have known her a little better but I'm happy to be her very first son.
When I turn around and look back I can see another traumatic setback in my life. When I was five years old I went to Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk with my family and I got lost. Luckily someone found me and took me to security and they hooked me up with my family again. But from then and even until now, I've been afraid of getting lost. I always feel safe in my home town of San Francisco because I know my way around. But anywhere outside I get very nervous about being alone. I even hate waiting for somebody to pick me up. My dad says that I'm afraid of being abandoned because my mom died and it was almost like she abandoned me. That makes me afraid other people will abandon me, too.
One of my worst fears had always been being lost in a foreign country where nobody speaks English. I wouldn't be able to communicate with anybody to tell them I'm lost and ask for help, and I wouldn't know where I was. Basically I would be lost and alone.
Before that incident in Santa Cruz, when I was four ( I can't remember ) my dad told me I always would wander off and everybody would have to keep an eye on me. That's what happened at Santa Cruz. I wandered off to a ride that I wanted to go on but everybody else wanted to eat, so when they sat down to eat I just kept going toward the ride and nobody had kept an eye on me, probably because my dad wasn't there at the time. Well, since then, I've been keeping an eye on myself.
One other really important setback that I've already gotten over occurred when I came home from the airport and I was at home alone. I thought I heard something in the house and I was so scared I grabbed the phone and ran upstairs into the bathroom and locked the door. I called my dad and told him I thought there was somebody in the house. He said he was on his way and I climbed out the window and onto the roof just to be safe. I guess that sounds kind of contradictory, but you know what I mean. Finally, my dad came and I felt OK for a while, but I'd never stay home alone again because I was afraid of being kidnapped.
I remember when I was five I would talk about how if a robber ever came into the house then I'd kick and punch him until he left because he was hurting so bad. I guess thatŐs because I had just started taking Karate. At that age I loved the movie 'Home Alone' because it's so funny how one kid took on two adult gangsters by himself and didn't even get scared. I now realize that movies like that aren't real. In order to get over that fear my sister had to explain to me a hundred times how nobody could get into this house. She always say, "for one, the doors are locked so nobody can get in; for two, there are thousands of houses in San Francisco, why would anyone randomly pick our house; and for three, people only rob people they know about." So because of that speech that my sister gave to me over and over again, I've overcome that fear.
When I turn around and look back over my life, I know I've had a lot of setbacks, and I've overcome some and learned to live with others. I know I'm picky, and I don't really pay attention too well, I'm more reserved than social, I'm too deliberate, I'm cynical, and I'm often pessimistic. Well, that's not all bad. I'm also optimistic at times and outgoing and willing to try new things. There's always another side to something. For every up there is a down, for every in there is an out, for every yes there is a no, for every to there is a for, for every lemon there is a lime, and for everything there's a rhyme. Thoughts are all facts of lie. There is something in everything.
It's always good to look back every once in a while to see how far you've come. It's good to appreciate what you've experienced and use that to your advantage in the future.